Live the life you imagined…

Today marks 4 years since that fateful day that I signed on the dotted line for my wonderful home in France, so it is only right to give it the huge nod that it so rightly deserves.

After 25 years of thinking about moving abroad and changing my mind intermittently between France and Greece (the French dream driven by holidays of my youth followed by studying here in my twenties, the Greek dream fueled by having a home there for many many years and loving both the country and the people) who would’ve honestly thought that I would ever actually do it? Possibly not even me!!

Whilst I knew it was something I wanted to do one day in theory, the impossibility of it all seemed too easy to be swayed by, and whether I would actually eventually have the balls to risk doing it at all seemed like an entirely different matter altogether. Even as the desire (or need) got stronger and stronger, there was always just that tiny voice of doubt nagging away in the background like a malevolent monkey with a megaphone on my shoulder. And even when, on my 40th I genuinely think I decided that the real time to make the decision was now or never, having bought the ring that said “live the life you imagined” whilst sat in a place where within my bubble of increasing misery and anger I could at all times see my vision board of all the reasons TO do it, I still probably doubted as much as the next person that I actually would.

Even when I put my UK house on the market to “test the water” only to sell it approximately 3 days later. Even when I had sold the house, all my things were in storage and I had to move in with my poor sister for the last month or so before I could finish work in order to come here. Even when I woke up that cold morning in November and got into my car crammed to the rafters and complete with roof box and the highest levels of anxiety at even the prospect of the drive, let alone the move, with the poor dog squeezed in between a million bits of schmutter with which to travel to our temporary rental, I think I may have still doubted that I would ever *actually* go through with it.

Even when I arrived outside the very house for a viewing that day that I had looked at online over the course of 3 months desperately wishing and hoping that some bastard wouldn’t swoop in and nick it from under my nose. Even when an hour after I had seen it I put the offer in without even thinking about it twice. Even the 3 hours later when the offer was accepted. And even possibly when I found myself suddenly sat in a Notaire’s office on 15th December 2018 on my absolute jack jones with only my buyer (and a cat wandering around aimlessly) for encouragement, wondering what awful mistake I could possibly be making by signing on the dotted line whilst not really to be honest understanding much of the buyers report, did I really wonder if I could really do it.

So, has it been the life I imagined? In part, and certainly for the two years before the pandemic hit, unequivocally and absolutely! I no longer have to take pills to get through a day, I started decreasing them the day I arrived and was pill free less than 6 months later. I no longer hate myself as well as most everyone else I come across (though obviously there are exceptions, I’ve not changed *that*much. I no longer count down days as another step closer to some envisaged blessed relief. I’m no longer the constant tightly wound ball of an intolerable internal cocktail of rage and misery that I remember being for so long. The outdoor lifestyle certainly suits me and my psyche, and gives my soul joy and healing each and every day. And the more laid back lifestyle has done me the world of good, as has re-prioritising the important things in life, which frankly the French are just ever so good at illustrating.

Is it hard? Fuck yes!! And anyone who tells you differently is an absolute liar, especially perhaps if you’re on your own. But it is possible? Yes, absolutely. Is it worth it? Most definitely. It’s certainly not easy, but if you REALLY want to see what you are made of and capable of, if you really want to test yourself in terms of starting all over again and almost being reborn as a completely different person I can highly recommend it.

People would always tell me I was brave, but I didn’t believe them. At the point I actually moved here they told me more than ever before but I actually knew there was nothing brave about it, it had simply come to the point where it was do or die and something simply HAD to change. But now I believe that I am brave. I can do whatever I put my mind to IF I really want to. It’s certainly not easy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Being spoilt by living in the country of my birth until then, people have NO IDEA what you have to go through in order to establish your residence, your property, your fiscal matters and your business in a country you were not born in. But in my mind it’s a privilege not a right, and that is simply the way it is. If you want the life, you simply have to do the work. And that’s quite apart from the other potential culture shocks, or being without friends, family and known peeps on your doorstep or within reasonable touching distance.

And of course, the last few years have made everything harder for people everywhere and has certainly dampened down a little the way of life here. Well, for now at least, and who in fact knows for how long and if not forever. But I certainly don’t regret a second of it. Of course, life’s worries still remain – how to support yourself, what happens when things go wrong, what happens when you need *your* people and they are not right there and all the other usual life shit and noise. But somehow in this place, even I, who thought I held the monopoly on over thinking and catastrophising manages to mostly keep things in perspective. And life just seems so much more manageable in spite of all of those things.

For when you step outside in the sunshine, see the glorious visual of what you have physically built and then think of all the things you have had to go through and built in all those other ways, the sense of overwhelming pride and gratitude is undeniably palpable.

I am so very grateful to have been given this chance. I hope very much that I have grasped it with both hands to the best of my ability and if my world stops tomorrow I would just be so immensely glad that I did it and more importantly, did it ALL on my own!!

Bisous