Good things from bad times…

They say that every cloud has a silver lining, and perhaps, this much is true. Although at times it may be harder to search for it, let alone find it than others…

My own navigation of my personal mental health journey throughout many years has, at times been harder than I thought able to bear and lots of it as you know is documented here. But looking back on it now, as so many shit times in life, has given me such new perspectives, as well as so very many positives.

I know that following my unquestionably very worst times, some questioned the logic and timing perhaps, of me choosing to move to a completely different country, on my own with only the Monsieur (that would be the mutt for those of you who don’t already know) for company. But that really was a big moment of clarity within what had been a long lasting period of complete non clarity – knowing that something fundamentally had to change in my life. And I know that many who embark on this type of challenge end up deciding it is not for them, but unless you try how will you ever know? And for me, it has without doubt done me the world of good.

But it’s important to remember it will never change who you fundamentally are and whilst you can leave a lot of things behind in the past, it’s very hard to leave your demons or the monsters in your head that sadly travel with you for the ride. So, sadly it stands to reason, that the emotional baggage and the propensity of your natural behaviours will, whether you like it or not always be there lurking, ready to pop out at times you may least expect them to.

And after a good few years of kidding myself that a change of location had created in essence a whole new me, either through time or circumstance, I am now much more realistic, and possibly even perhaps more accepting of that. And whether you like it or not, there’s some element of peace that rides along on the coat tails of that acceptance.

Before all of this, I was never much into things like therapy or self help, or even mindfulness. And certainly didn’t much engage much with the desire to investigate the potential power or benefits of positive thinking or visualisation. But, as humans, comes as standard the ability to change, and unsurprisingly throughout my own journey as I have learnt and used all of these mechanisms more and more, I have seen the value of many of them to me and my situation.

And let’s be honest, it was ONLY in the end that through them and their powers, that I finally arrived here, in this place. And whilst I am fully aware that one size doesn’t fit all, some things I learnt quickly do not help me in the slightest whilst others I have come to find out, really genuinely do. And if start finding things that can help you to live your life in a more balanced, happier way and ultimately you chose to ignore them, then quite frankly you’re an idiot! And in order to make progress in any area of life, you simply need to do the work and this is what you have to go through in order to find out what suits you. There are sadly no short cuts but that’s the nature of learning and evolving I guess.

And over time as I have publicly spoken about my struggles more and more, and connected with more and more people who often feel the same, and in recent times throughout the pandemic more and more of those who never thought it were possible for the darkness to affect them, I have realised the value of community throughout this. And not just people who you already know. The importance of having people to reach out to who won’t judge and will simply listen is not be underestimated. Writing this blog, whilst many people I knew thought it was crazy to put my deepest and darkest thoughts out into the entirely public domain, has in this short time, taught me more and given me more insight than I would have ever dared to hope. And that, in part is down to many of you who follow this and have sent me messages so that I am aware of this, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for it. And that’s quite apart from the fact that writing my thoughts down and simply publishing them, seems to increasingly help me to unlock them from an unending cycle of damage within my own head and release me in part from their evil grasp.

When I first moved to France, one of *my* biggest concerns was how to go about recreating the network of people that I’d built up in the UK for over 40 years of my life and was now more distanced (in practical terms at least) from. Within all facets of life – be it friends, work contacts or simply knowing where to go for help or direction, whatever the nature of that help may be. And over these 4 years I have found myself thinking more and more of what I have found hard here, what I think is missing and wondering how I could do something to fill that gap and in exactly what form.

And over the last year, this idea has grown and become more ever-consuming. As if it has morphed from simply a lifeless thought, into a pressing and burning NEED to do something rather than simply ponder the fact ad infinitum. And so to this end, a week ago I finally created an online community on Facebook called “The French Virtual Support Network”.

Originally the idea was that it was to support small business owners in France. But it’s more than that. Many people came here alone on their journey, and many who didn’t have sadly since found themselves alone for all of the usual sad reasons of life. And already it’s not only people in France that have joined. And whilst I thought long and hard about that, I came to the conclusion that as nothing should be exclusive about this, and certainly self doubt in any way is not only present here in France and inclusivity for me is key, that’s fine too. And over discussing my idea before I started it, I realised that the idea of trying to kickstart something (as I know the initial onus will be on me to try and make it work) for it to simply cover work stuff was also exclusive, as there is as we all know so much more to life. And I have never believed that you are what you do. You purely and simply are who YOU are. And who you are includes what you worry or put pressure on yourselves about no matter where you live. Financial concerns, relationship concerns and equally important, sometimes just the potential difficulty of living in harmony with yourself, especially during hard and challenging times.

So from an initial idea of creating and launching a polished, nearly finished product, I suddenly decided over Christmas, following an exceptionally difficult period for me, that the better way would be to just bloody do it, and let the members input shaping what it may or may not become rather than me trying to dictate that and potentially getting it wrong or wasting this valuable opportunity.

So I hope that what I have started off is a safe space, where people should feel able to express themselves about whatever they want, whether positive things in terms of wins and victories (which often none of us share enough), whether about concerns or worries, or whether simply asking for input or advice around ideas and next steps. And if they just want to be there and say nothing at all, that is absolutely fine too. If it helps. And I want all of them to be able to do whatever they choose to, whether they know the other people in the group or not. And maybe over time they will have the chance to get to know and connect with others in the group. And most of all I wanted people to know that whatever they are thinking they are undoubtedly not alone in that thought. And half the battle for me, at least sometimes has been being cognisant of that very simple singular fact.

But just as important thing to me is that if EVER someone arrives at a pivotal crossroads, they have somewhere that is a truly safe space where they can shout for help. I know the importance of this more than anyone. And it angers me that we have lost some truly wonderful people along the way that if they had this option open, perhaps just could have been saved. And I know that’s in part naive because it doesn’t always work like that. But I equally believe that sometimes it potentially *could*. And so for any one case that it could, I am more determined to put the work in to ensure that it is a valuable resource to any, if not eventually many.

So launched it was, in it’s most rough and unpolished form. There are questions to answer to join the group, but I appreciate that some people may not want to, so you can bypass these if you choose. But what you cannot bypass is an acknowledgement of the rules, which is simply to hold people accountable for their behaviour, as well as to try and ensure that the space remains safe for the many.

And I’m sure that people are already bored with my incessant posting to try and get things under way, but people ARE engaging. And with some great suggestions already from members on potential content, the requirement for anonymous posting for those that don’t perhaps feel comfortable identifying themselves when discussing specifics and hopefully a way of making us all a bit more consciously mindful, and in turn happier and more at peace, I am hopeful that this is the birth of something useful. And for me already, it has certainly kept me from being able to sit around with time on my hands and overthink which is generally the fastest route for me into the doldrums and for that I’m very grateful.

And I hope that with interaction of people within different situations, with different perspectives, different experiences and different learning opportunities to share, it can only be a good thing. And people should feel more than free to invite others, whether they are people who can benefit or people who can help or people who like the majority of us fall into both of those camps.

So, it really does show that sometimes, maybe there just is a positive to every shitstorm. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

Bisous!

PS If anyone does want to join, please feel free. As I said, please ensure you read and tick an agreement to the rules because if not, regardless of what I think, your membership will be auto rejected!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/575584960199835