Navigating a new life without you…

This week I lost my best friend in the world. My partner in crime. The one that has been by my side for over 12 years. The snaggely little toothed monkey who I desperately loved. The beautiful little soul that saved me as much as I saved him. And in turn, I lost another little part of myself…

12 years ago, almost to the day in fact (just a week ago) I was given the greatest gift I have ever received. Ruben (I know it’s spelt incorrectly but that was the way *they* spelt it and I never had the heart to change it) arrived to live with me, along with only his little white teddy given to him by his foster family as his comfort for company. He was totally broken, having been hideously abused as a pup. At that point having no faith in anyone or anything. Ironically, at the point he arrived, me and him were not in that much different spaces and states. I had simply been counting down days, had no hope that anything would get better, and was generally in a long term spiral of simply feeling totally and utterly defeated. If you want to read about the beginning of our massive adventure and journey together, it’s all there in the blog post “It’s only a dog!”

I won’t bore you much with “how” he left except to say that he has been in heart failure for a while. I’m lucky to have had him as long as I did, but as time went on, not only did it get more and more stressful for me but so much more importantly for him. Until finally, it was very much time for him to go. No matter how much even the thought of it absolutely terrified me. But what is much more important is what he has left behind. The legacy of a total legend…

For the moment of course, what he has left is a gaping hole in the life that until now, we considered absolutely and wonderfully normal. A deafening silence around the house that implies, incorrectly, that he was noisy and troublesome. In fact, from difficult beginnings and honestly I won’t pretend he was ever the easiest dog as a youngster, he had evolved into absolutely the perfect dog. He wasn’t high maintenance, not demanding, was still fairly aloof and independent and he was my absolute constant, always there and no trouble at all. He did a brilliant job in accepting his annoying little brother that I forced on him in May of last year. Of course it took time. More perhaps than some would have liked, but I was ok with that. Because I KNOW him and for him to accept it at all was quite frankly astonishing. But in the end did he did a brilliant job of guiding and teaching him on toilet training, trips out in the car, what a walk was all about and generally not pushing his luck. Then they also became a proper little tag team.

Mornings at the moment are the absolute worst. We’ve been here before, so I did know what was coming. But that in no way makes it any easier at all. I wake up as if everything is as it was. Then I wonder how he hasn’t already woken me up barking to go out. Then I remember. Then I hear the deafening silence. Then I watch Pickle bounding into the kitchen to greet him good morning. Then his little confused face when he can’t find him because he is simply not there anymore. I know this will get easier for us both, but for now it’s without doubt the hardest part of the day. A real kicker…

I distinctly remember in my previous post about him writing this ” This little monkey has left a paw print on my heart that will never ever be removed and when he leaves and breaks my heart into a million pieces, it will still have all been worth it.” This dog really was special. And I know they all are as all mine have been. But there was just something about the timing of when I got him, the similarities between us, the things we’ve been through since, as well as the difference that moving here made to both of us, like we both could finally truly breathe. This simply just makes him one of a kind and completely irreplaceable.

So that day is very sadly here. Did my heart break? Absolutely it did, into a thousand million pieces. Do I think I will be okay? Absolutely. It will, without question be both hard and sad in equal measure to even have to contemplate navigating a world without him in it, let alone doing it. But I absolutely will! And that is in no small part down to him. He rescued me more than I ever rescued him. We fixed each other along the way during the beautiful precious time we were lucky enough to have together. He healed me in so many ways and made me view everything so very differently. I hope in the end that is the biggest tribute that I could possibly pay him. But I absolutely know that without question, I will miss him forever. I was always so worried about this day coming and how it would test me and the progress I *think* that I’ve made, as I know were many others who know me. But I think and hope it will be ok. It has to be. For him.

Was it worth it? Absofuckinglutely! Would I do it all again, knowing how much it hurts today? Hell, yes!! But for now, I’m just trying to navigate this new way of life ahead, forgive myself, knowing I did the best I could, try to remember all the great times as well as being kind to myself when it feels desperately sad, because frankly, that’s exactly what it is.

I’ve got so much more to say about him. So very much more he deserves to be said about him but I just can’t do it now. I will. I know it will come and when it does you lot will just have to put up with it. Because this isn’t something that I will be okay about anytime soon.

Sleep well my sweet, precious, bestest boy. I would say that you have no idea how much I loved you, but that’s not true. I know that you knew. And that gives me comfort. One day maybe, I’ll finally finish writing your book and tell the world what an absolute bloody blinder you were. One day I’ll definitely see you again. But in the meantime, I think it’s okay just to miss you like hell…

Bisous!